I’ve experienced strange events in my life since about 2006, perhaps earlier. I didn’t exactly write them off, but I did not know how to quantify them. I remained neutral with many questions over the years and got sidetracked as a single mother. In March of 2021, I existed in a very low place, emotionally and mentally. I was depressed and had no love for life and no hope for the future.
I have always suffered from existential depression, wondering why the world is the way it is. I didn’t even like most people. I thought, if God was out there, he/she/they/it did not care in the slightest what happened to us. I remained incapable of reconciling the pain and suffering of billions of humans with any sort of loving God. It proved illogical to me, and I pondered over God and the meaning of life for hundreds of hours, year after year.
COVID angered me. I hated the way politics progressed. I felt truly alone, unlovable, an island. I never fit in with any group and labels never defined me (even when I wished they would). Religion felt empty. Philosophy intrigued me, but provided only more questions. I listened to lectures, watched YouTube videos, read books, attended church, therapy, everything.
One night, I did something with the intent to harm myself, and God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit blessed me with a personal mind-blowing experience, giving me HOPE and LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. I am not going to go into any of the sordid details about myself, but I wish to share the knowings I received that night in the hope that perhaps my experience will comfort or trigger others to kick-start an intuitive journey with Christ.
At first, it felt like I was on hallucinogens, but then it was as if I received downloads of information about my true self, flashing images, and as my mind appeared to open even further, suddenly, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was talking to me. He was the one giving me the information. He finally stepped in to metaphorically slap some sense into me.
I felt an incredible sense of love and acceptance. I wept with joy and laughter. I could hardly contain the energy and love I felt. My body vibrated with the presence of God and the Holy Spirit.
God is real and He loves us so much. He loves me. I am his child and he is my Father. I belong to Him. He claimed me and he will claim you if you want Him. He wants us. And the feelings of love and acceptance were almost too much to contain in my physical body.
He showed me that I am beautiful. My soul is beautiful and special. Everyone’s soul is. I was sent here to observe life as a human and to engage in the experience of being human, but I was not really human, only watching the world in a human body.
I was afraid I was dying. I could sense my soul untethering from my physical body. My physical body felt like it was becoming invisible and almost folding in. I was losing connection to it. I knew that even if I was dying, this was nothing to fear at all. I felt such joy. I knew that I would go to God.
I talked to God and I kept thanking Him over and over. I wanted Him to know how grateful I was for all the blessings I had taken for granted. He was always there, helping, and I had not given him a second glance. I was ashamed and so grateful that He still loved me so much and considered me one of His own. Being one of God’s chosen is a great honor, but it’s available to all of us. There are no limited spaces.
I continued to talk to God and he showed me information. I continued to weep, but felt incredibly joyful. He continued to gift me with His presence through the Holy Spirit. Magic is real, and it is God. The Holy Spirit is true magic and what we would call paranormal. It’s light magic, good, and pure, and accessible to all children of God. Not to use for our pleasure, but God’s.
The world is not supposed to be like it is, but we have a direct line to Him that is constantly open. I felt no depression or anxiety for the first time in years, and I began to hope that I might finally be able to lead the life I always wanted, free of despair and hopelessness.
God showed me the meaning of the Tree of Knowledge and Adam and Eve. The knowledge wasn’t secret information humans weren’t supposed to know. It was the KNOWING that was the key ingredient. Eating the apple kick-started a physical life in this world. A physical life that includes heartache and pain, early death sometimes, disease, and any number of baffling miseries that accompany the joy and health the world can also bring.
We had to KNOW. We wanted to experience it. And God loved us so much, he said okay my children. If you must KNOW, I will allow it. I will allow you to be born and to live in this world that has evil as well as light. I cannot guarantee which you will experience. But I will ALLOW you to experience it. And I will be there to share your pain, always a breath away.
That was the Tree of Knowledge. To know what it meant to be human. God wanted to spare us that, but we disobeyed him. And he said okay, even though it will be so much harder for you. And he didn’t leave us. He never did. It was our perception and the cloud pulled over us by the knowing of this physical world that made us feel alone and abandoned. But we have never been abandoned. We, as the whole of humankind, abandoned God.
My body tingled and vibrated the whole time. I felt like I had been reset.
A presence held the space with me, and it told me that I was loved more than every jewel in the galaxy. I was infinitely special and precious, a literal priceless treasure. All the weight of this dark, worrisome world left me, and I felt so joyful that I sobbed. I laughed. God laughed with me. He has a great sense of humor and is not the harsh judgmental figure portrayed. I saw moments from my childhood and throughout my life and how he had been there and how certain experiences happened for specific reasons to make me who I am. He showed me that He was with me the entire time, blessing me, gifting me with what some would call luck, kismet, providence. Nothing was coincidental.
My body felt so strange, like I was disconnecting from it, especially in my core, in the middle of my chest and stomach area. I felt like, if I was indeed dying, I would simply move into eternity like stepping through a door. I felt the impression of a gentle, but stern kind of scolding feeling and God said, “You are mine. You are my child. It is not your time. Why are you hurting your body, your temple? That is my body and I have work for you. I love you, how can you not love what I have made? You are perfect.”
There was so much crying and laughing and I raised my hands up to praise him and bowed my head because I knew without a doubt I was in the presence of the Almighty King. I could not help but want to worship him. I felt his goodness, love, and power. I wanted Him to know how much He meant to me. I acknowledged over and over His mercy and His grace.
There is a spiritual war happening in this world. Dark forces control governments, the media, and entertainment. Not all of it is bad, nor does God expect people to stop watching Harry Potter or Game of Thrones, to never drink a few beers, or listen to rock n roll or hip hop. But you need discernment that only Christ can provide.
We cannot make it through this life without God, without Jesus. We try to fill the holes with alcohol, drugs, sex, money, beauty, popularity, etc. Jesus was not popular with the beautiful rich people. He chose to be with regular people who struggled with money and were prostitutes, and rejected because of disease or disability, disfigurement. The flawed and needy he chose over trying to win the favor of powerful men.
He knew they would never be able to SEE his message because they were controlled by the material world. So He went to those who had little stake in the physical world because He knew they would be the ones WHO HAD EARS TO HEAR. Even those who can not hear with their physical ears can hear Jesus’ message.
Jesus accepted women and spoke to them as equal to men. He was friends with women and had female apostles, disciples. He wants everyone to have a life filled with joy, health, prosperity, with friends and family while they are here in this wisp of a human life.
I asked, why is life so hard? Why is there so much evil and suffering in the world? Why is it this way? And I was shown the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. This is only my intuition and interpretation, but I think the first humans did not need to eat. They would be immortal and live in paradise, loving God, whose presence was always clearly with them every minute.
Nature and animals were there for them to muse on and find inspiration and joy. I don’t think there was any violence or animals killing one another at that point. It was a true utopia, living in pleasure and absorbing the beauty of nature and life that God made.
But we (humans, Adam, and specifically Eve, originally) had the capacity to think and wonder what else is there to know? We want to know the unknown and learn the secrets of biology, the universe, everything. We had to know. Asking the questions that would introduce pain and fear and worry into our lives. The apple symbolizes this knowledge, the knowledge of knowing what it is to truly be human. To suffer disease and accidents, the death of loved ones, war, etc.
And God loved us so much, so much, even though he knew we would regret it, and we would suffer so much, he let us be human and receive the knowledge we desired. So we went out of the garden to experience life. Life with hardship and pain and atrocities.
If God stepped in and erased all war and disease and made everything perfect, humans would be angry and say their choices were taken away and that they weren’t robots. Some people want to be able to do unhealthy and destructive things for no other reason than that it’s something within their power to control. They want that choice, even if it harms themselves and others.
Why do innocents suffer? Why do children get abused? Why does God allow this? These actions stem from the sins of adult humans who have chosen that duality (perhaps this is what sin means). If God stepped in and made it all go away, humans would still complain that they were controlled and their freedom taken away.
This life is transient and fleeting. Suffering is only experienced here. Eternal life with Christ is never ending peace and happiness. We are blessed in the KNOWING that we will live forever, doused in God’s love and Grace.
And this may be controversial to some, but God told me there are many more pressing spiritual lessons to focus on than wasting time making rules and laws about a human’s gender or sexuality or who people want to marry. That was old law, the old God, before he sent His Son as divinity in the flesh. In my view, because of this, it is less relevant, and not every word is to be taken literally. He loves everyone, everyone. And so should we, even if they make us feel uncomfortable or challenge our status quo.
If you have Jesus, you need not fear anything. Anything! If it is your time to go, rejoice! because you will be with your Father soon in eternity who loves you more than diamonds or any amount of riches.
If you have God, you have peace and security. You have trust and courage because He is with you. He is right there, all the time. All you have to do is ask. Ask God to walk with you every day and be your friend, your father, your confidante. He will listen. He wants to be in your life so bad because he loves you so much.
God cannot be defeated and he is the best alpha or team leader you could ever imagine. All you have to do is want to be good. Who doesn’t want that? The desire to help people, to encourage and lift others up. The desire to end suffering.
There should be no desire to control others, to force people to do a thing because you think it is right, and make the choice for them. That goes back to Eden and takes people’s choices away. God does not do that.
I don’t understand Hell, and I wasn’t shown anything about it. I do not think there is a place of burning. I feel that it is rather the absence of God. For me, even imagining the absence of God is so horrible and despairing. Of being truly alone. You think you feel lonely? God’s shadow covers us every day, even the unsaved, just so we can survive the onslaught of evil in this world. True loneliness, true hell, would be God removing his shadow and letting us exist uncovered and open.
It would be the worst feeling imaginable. I can’t imagine life without God. It would undo me. I think that’s why there’s so much depression, anxiety, despair, in the world today. People forgot God. He’s there whether you believe it or not. You can call Him Creator, the original Source, divine energy, the first consciousness, whatever.
But He is real and life is so much easier and happier when you walk with God. It doesn’t mean your life will suddenly be perfect. But He is there to make it easier. You can pour your troubles and issues on Him. He bears your burdens and shows you how to learn from them. It’s not something that happens overnight. Any relationship must be built. A foundation and structure, along with communication. You have to talk to God every day, multiple times a day. That’s what you do with your spouse, kids, parents, and others who you invest in.
In order for all relationships to be healthy, you have to talk and talk some more. Uncomfortable conversations can lead to healing. Force yourself to open up, be intimate, and accept the possibility of unhealed hurts rising to the surface.
We can’t do any of it without God. To be without God is what I think Hell is. The absence would be like a scorching fire. Every cell would mourn its loss, but this would be spiritual, the afterlife. If you died without knowing God, without allowing Him to find you, claim you.
(NOTE: I have learned even more since all of the above, but I will stop now. I have “refined” some of my knowings and Christ has shown me more and clarified some of the above, but I will possibly edit it another day.)